Day Ten, Sunday, didn’t go well on the meditation front. I stayed with friends after a wedding reception on Saturday night, and waking up at their place, I didn’t even think of meditating.
After having lunch with them, I came home and found myself astonishingly tired and drained of energy. I’m not sure why; I slept okay and for quite a reasonable amount of time. I just felt completely motivation‐free and doing anything was hard work.
I also felt quite sad. I’ve noticed that emotions are coming to the front more as the days go by. I think there must be a connection with the meditation. Before the meditation, I think I was keeping more of a lid on my emotions. Maybe this was for practical reasons: better to feel nothing than to feel sad. But I suppose that’s pretty much the definition of depression, really.
Anyway. I watched a film, which was crap, but at least I managed to pay it some attention. Then I decided that maybe I should try reading a good book, something I’ve not been doing enough of recently. I have plenty of new books on my “incoming” shelf, so I just picked one by an author I really like, and took it to bed for a fairly early night.
And the book was good, and captivating, and took me to a different place for a while. But is that just a way of avoiding issues in the here‐and‐now?
So. That was Day Ten. On the whole, although I’ve not been feeling great, I have to think that this is definite progress. I’m being more aware of my condition, anyway. And if you want to change whatever it is that’s making you sad, then perhaps you have to figure out you’re feeling sad in the first place.
Day Eleven, today, has not gone well so far. As sometimes seems to happen, I didn’t feel very tired, but as soon as I sat down to meditate, a wall of tiredness collapsed over me. I honestly couldn’t keep my eyes open. Trying to focus on the candle produced about five seconds seconds of problems keeping my eyes tracking the flame, followed by increasing eyelid drooping, followed by me giving up, closing my eyes, and pretty much drifting off.
Not ideal, really. And again, I thought I’d slept quite well last night.
Ho hum. Maybe I’ll try again later today. But for now, I’ve got to get to work.