A brief flicker of… something, during this morning’s session. I had a minute or two when I thought I was getting the hang of it, really focusing on the flame. I felt some determination, some gumption for a while, to concentrate on the tip of this damn candle, no matter what.
However, that drifted off pretty quickly, by the end of the fifteen minutes, I was my usual scattered self, and waiting for the session to be over.
This evening’s class was also pretty much miss rather than hit. I really didn’t enjoy the chanting mantra stuff the last couple of times, with a guy leading it. Tonight, with a (completely delightful, and obviously very together) woman leading it, I really found myself cringing rather than chanting. The problem is, I really can’t hold a note, especially when the mantras appear to be written in a key that’s just too high for the high notes of my very limited vocal range, and just too low for the low notes if I go down an octave. And with a female voice leading it so I’ve not got someone who’s at least in my “best chance” octave to follow, I’m really dreadfully unconfident and crap. I really don’t think singing/chanting meditations are for me, and they seem to do quite a lot of it in this class.
But, you know, I’m going to stick with the classes for a while, because they are going to do different techniques, and it’s just quite inspiring being around the people, both the teachers, who do seem to have that reassuring inner‐calm‐along‐with‐a‐sense‐of‐humour that I associate with people who are fairly sorted — people who know themselves, I guess — and also the other students, because it doesn’t feel like I’m on an isolated path.
I’ll miss the next class, mind, because I’ll be at a hen party. Don’t ask.
Anyway. There are other meditation teachers/schools in Bristol. The Western Ch’an Fellowship spring immediately to mind, as Zen has always felt right for me, so I may look into where they are and what they do at some point. I tripped over them the last time my left bent in a spiritual direction, and I remember being impressed by them, at least.
So. Excuse me if I’m writing rather disjointedly, but I just plain feel quite disjointed right now. But the plan for the next week is basically “more of the same”, morning meditations where possible, with at least one fifteen‐minute session per day no matter what. And we’ll see what happens.
I’ve also planned some writing, actually decided in advance what I want to work on on which days. This is unusual for me; I want to try it to see if it helps me on those days where I have difficulty summoning up the motivation — at least if I have something in mind to write on that day, that’s one less bit of thinking I have to do before I set pen to paper…