Day Eight: Flicker

A brief flicker of… something, during this morning’s session. I had a minute or two when I thought I was getting the hang of it, really focusing on the flame. I felt some determination, some gumption for a while, to concentrate on the tip of this damn candle, no matter what.

However, that drifted off pretty quickly, by the end of the fifteen minutes, I was my usual scattered self, and waiting for the session to be over.

Feh.

This evening’s class was also pretty much miss rather than hit. I really didn’t enjoy the chanting mantra stuff the last couple of times, with a guy leading it. Tonight, with a (completely delightful, and obviously very together) woman leading it, I really found myself cringing rather than chanting. The problem is, I really can’t hold a note, especially when the mantras appear to be written in a key that’s just too high for the high notes of my very limited vocal range, and just too low for the low notes if I go down an octave. And with a female voice leading it so I’ve not got someone who’s at least in my “best chance” octave to follow, I’m really dreadfully unconfident and crap. I really don’t think singing/chanting meditations are for me, and they seem to do quite a lot of it in this class.

But, you know, I’m going to stick with the classes for a while, because they are going to do different techniques, and it’s just quite inspiring being around the people, both the teachers, who do seem to have that reassuring inner-calm-along-with-a-sense-of-humour that I associate with people who are fairly sorted — people who know themselves, I guess — and also the other students, because it doesn’t feel like I’m on an isolated path.

I’ll miss the next class, mind, because I’ll be at a hen party. Don’t ask.

Anyway. There are other meditation teachers/schools in Bristol. The Western Ch’an Fellowship spring immediately to mind, as Zen has always felt right for me, so I may look into where they are and what they do at some point. I tripped over them the last time my left bent in a spiritual direction, and I remember being impressed by them, at least.

So. Excuse me if I’m writing rather disjointedly, but I just plain feel quite disjointed right now. But the plan for the next week is basically “more of the same”, morning meditations where possible, with at least one fifteen-minute session per day no matter what. And we’ll see what happens.

I’ve also planned some writing, actually decided in advance what I want to work on on which days. This is unusual for me; I want to try it to see if it helps me on those days where I have difficulty summoning up the motivation — at least if I have something in mind to write on that day, that’s one less bit of thinking I have to do before I set pen to paper…